What A Bunch Of Duck-ing Ice Holes!*

So this happened at the University of Oregon

For the record, it doesn’t look fun or funny.  But if someone was playing Winter Wonderland on a boombox… (daydreams… considers mixing the Youtube video)… no, still not funny.

 

*The school’s team is the Ducks, in case you were pundering.

 

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The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… I Choose “Death By Bus!”

I recently saw this commercial, and it gave me pause…

“Is this the new record scratch?” I wondered.

This meaning suddenly hit by bus.

So I started thinking about where this trend began, and I think I can link it back to The Hit that I think is The Shit.

THE SHIT
MEET JOE BLACK (1998)

Sure, it’s not a bus, but it was shocking – and eventually entertaining?  Most of all, it was first.

THE PINCHLINE
MEAN GIRLS (2004)
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (2008)
GHOST TOWN (2008)

These accidents are used for comedic effect.  What the fuck is wrong with us America?  (See the Ghost Town clip in the montage below.)

THE PLOP DEVICE
STRANGER THAN FICTION (2006)

LOST (2007)

Dramatic tension is high, and these scenes drive the plot, so… why couldn’t the Will Ferrell hit been less real and more ha-ha?

THE FART NOISE (IT’S SO OBVIOUS)
FINAL DESTINATION (2000)

“Woh-woh…” *wet trombone fart noise*

THE TURD VERSION OF THE PLOP DEVICE
FELICITY (1999)
NIP/TUCK (2006)

These really aren’t that interesting, so check out the montage below.

JUST SHITTY
BUBBLE BOY (2001)

Hey look!  Zack Galifianakis!  Just don’t look at the rest of it.

PHANTOM POOPERS
CONTAGION (2011)
DEXTER (2012)

These are too new to be found anywhere, butt they’d probably fall under PLOP DEVICE since one had a contagious kid get smashed and the other had a serial killer get smashed.  I’ll let you guess which one each belonged to.

MONTAGES (there has to be a pun in there somewhere…)

Got it!  MOONTAGES!

Punch Drunken Recollection… Laffy Taffy Ride

My original plan for this post was to write about a collection of strangers I made up stories about while at a concert.  There was:

  • Bored Larry – this was a guy standing in front of me that would hunch over for extended periods of time, then suddenly start standing upright again… he also went by Emotional Larry because there was a chance he was moping instead of hunching
  • The Kissing Kouple – these two people couldn’t have been more mismatched… he was a Barenaked Ladies understudy; she was a less famous pin-up girl from the 40’s… and they made out the entire concert
  • Two  Jims – these two guys wouldn’t shut up behind me, bonding over the minutia of life and beer
  • Drunk Poor Man’s Parker Posey – this girl was beyond trashed and asked everybody and anybody if they were ready to leave… I believe one of the Two Jims (if not both) might have taken her up on her sad offer

But instead of doing what I just did, I decided to share some Laffy Taffy jokes my siblings and I made up while driving from Chicago to Detroit in two different cars.  Enjoy!

Not a very polite beginning, but a beginning nonetheless.

Not a very polite beginning, but a beginning nonetheless.

Too easy.

Too easy.

I was not involved in this one so I had to make color alterations.

I was not involved in this one so I had to make color alterations.

You see, my sister had this tobacco moth on her tomato plant. It was disgusting... and a terrible guess.

You see, my sister had this tobacco moth on her tomato plant. It was disgusting… and a terrible guess.

All acceptable guesses. But only one is right.

All acceptable guesses. But only one is right.

Sexist!

Sexist!

It should have been a stamp, but that Laffy Taffy joke probably exists. Hence, convention was turned on its head.

It should have been a stamp talking to an envelope, but that Laffy Taffy joke probably exists. Hence, convention was turned on its head.

Callback!

Callback!

This was in reference to me making everybody guess my favorite Wang Chung song.

This was in reference to me making everybody guess my favorite Wang Chung song.

*Head slap!* Atlantis Morrissette!

*Head slap!* Atlantis Morrissette is better!

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… What A Tees

This post is an imaginary post that I might have written in the 90’s.  Hence the monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK, minus the monkeys…

T-shirts are definition in cloth form.  They’re not only brand labels, but personality labels.

When I wore Rude Dog shirts, I wanted to be seen as a Rude Dog:

I was usually more in the mood to be annoying.

When I wanted to be as bad as Bart Simpson, I’d get out my slingshot and this shirt:

Somebody ate my shorts.

When I wanted people to think I was stuck up and well-traveled (and well fed), I’d wear something from my Hard Rock Cafe collection:

(Insert city name above... and Ray-Bans)

And then there was one shirt I always considered wearing because they were punny, but never did because they were, well, you be the judge:

Additional phrase: "Something-something-something up-stares."