Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Teen Wolf Writers Are No Heroes

teen_wolf_double_creature

Who let the wolves out? Wolf, wolf, wolf...

Though 80’s classics, I never could get into the Teen Wolf movies (soon to be an MTV show).  There was something unfulfilling about them, though they were ripe with fodder (<—a phrase not used often enough).

I was a big fan of both Michael J. Fox and Jason Bateman at the time of each respective release, so what went wrong?

I may have found the answer via Topless Robot’s Twitter feed.  Commenters on the nerd-centric blog pointed out a peculiar Coinkydink (or Coinkydonk – vote below) to site-founder, Rob Bricken, while he was on a tizzy about NBC’s Heroes driving him to drink. 

The facts are these (I sorely miss Pushing Daisies, which was created by Heroes’ only hero – Bryan Fuller):

jeph-loeb

A face only a motherfucker could punch.

tim-kring

Probably overheard saying, "I have no idea what I'm doing."

While this makes little sense to those non-nerd-centric-minded out there, the reason why Heroes sucked sucks so bad (I try to pretend it isn’t on anymore), is that it was created by Tim Kring, the guy that wrote a sequel to a crap cash grab movie by Jeph Loeb, and Tim Kring brought Jeph Loeb on board to help oversee Heroes (for awhile).

(SIDENOTE: Loeb was fired last year, but it happened at the point Leo DiCaprio let go of the wood board Kate Winslet was floating on, if Heroes was the Titanic… basically, it occurred too late.)

So if you’re wondering… what am I bashing more – Teen Wolf one and Too, or Heroes?  My answer is this: I’m not finished. 

While Tim Kring might have went on to create Crossing Jordan and produce Providence (two moderately successful shows I would never watch),  he did work on Chicago Hope and Misfits of Science (two awesome shows I wish were on DVD).  And the first season of Heroes was great, which gains him some ground, but again, he did hire Loeb, so there that goes…

Now Jeph Loeb on the other hand:

  • Wrote the wretched X-Man for Marvel Comics, which facilitated my disconnect with the X-Men Universe in paper-and-ink form (tubby Brett Ratner did the same in regard to the films)
  • Produced the highly suspect, and in retrospect, pretty crappy, second season of Lost
  • While producing and writing for Smallville, he introduced young Superman to Red Kryptonite, which is usually green; now writing again at Marvel, he introduced Red Hulk to battle green Hulk

In his (slight) defense, Loeb did write Arnie’s Commando, and he has been recognized positively for his comic writing (he’s received four Eisner‘s and five Wizard Fan Awards).  But let me get to the nitty-gritty…

In My Brain While Sleeping… Loud Noises, Where-Wolves, And A Bounty Hunter Makes A Correction Regarding His Name

Since this blog is an open book to all my weaknesses, it’s sorta turned into my (NERD ALERT!) Xavier Protocols.  Of my weaknesses (vanilla-scented anything falls high on that list), loud noises while I sleep smacks near the top.  On the night of these particular dreams, I fell asleep with the television on only to be awakened by a loud lawyer commercial.

Okay, it wasn’t that one, but imagine if the explosions were audible, then you’d get the picture.

hulkblonsky

Anyambulancechaser, in the first dream, I encountered a new breed of night creatures… the WHERE-WOLVES.  How were they different than werewolves?  Let me explain with a (NERD ALERT!) toy from the remake reboot whatever second Hulk movie:

You see, in the flick, which I have not seen, the dude on the right mutates into the monster on the left.  This toy, called the Hulk Deluxe Mutating Abomination, does not mutate at all.  Instead of either really mutating by adding water, or by simply imagining that it happens, the little guy fits into a compartment on the back of the big guy.  Dumb?  You bet.

Well that’s pretty much how where-wolves worked.  Wolves merged with their host humans so both could exist.  To recombine, humans hovered over the wolves.  Now that you’ve pictured it, moving on…

My other dream involved a (NERD ALERT!) Star Wars character.  Growing up, I knew this bounty hunter…

4lom

…as Zuckuss and this guy…

zuckuss

…as 4-LOM.  But as it turned out, the original Kenner toy line had it wrong in the 80’s, and with the re-releases of the toys in the 90’s, they rectified the problem and named each of them correctly.  To me though, Zuckuss will always be 4-LOM and 4-LOM will be Zuckuss.  Until I was corrected in a dream.  This guy…

4lom

…showed up to tell me his name really was Allen.

INGREDIENTS: Turkey and provolone on a bagel and a Mountain Dew.  And beer.

In My Brain While Sleeping… Watchmen Anxiety

In case you’ve been living under a rock or in a coma (which in the cases of you really being a hermit or a recently awakened patient, then I’m sorry about the sarcasm), next March may or may not be the month that “Watchmen” gets marched out (see what I did there with the, um, doubling months thing).

There’s still a lawsuit pending between Fox and Warner Bros. over the rights to the story, but little did I know how much this affected me.  All night I dreamt about this movie.  My brain tried to convince me it was going to be crappy, too.  I saw images of the film being projected on screen as though it were still a comic book graphic novel.

It was comparable to this:

(from DarthsandDroids.com)

(from DarthsandDroids.com)

Or even worse, the first “Hulk” flick

What follows at the bottom of the post is the most recent preview for “Watchmen.”  It can’t be bad, can it?  Like “Sin City 2” “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow 2” “The Spirit” level bad?

All I’m saying is Fox better not fuck this up for me… I don’t know if I can take more nights of tossing and turning and seeing the Comedian so sad (he’s the guy with the moustache at the start of the preview).  The kicker is Fox doesn’t even want shared profits – they don’t want it released!  Fox owes me for cancelling many-a-splendid shows, such as “Arrested Development,” “Firefly,” “Futurama,” “The Tick,” and “Profit.”

They sure as hell better not cancel “Watchmen.”