get smart

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Rise Of Cobra (Get Your Mind Out Of The Gutter)

Posted on by sgottahurt

In one of my dreams last night, I watched/participated in the new G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie.

It began rather inoccuously, meaning it didn’t seem at all like G.I. Joe.  There was a compound and the team was being built.  It was comprised of a bunch of your movie stereotypes (which I won’t go into because it doesn’t bode well for my subconscious).  I remember a moment where a group of us were in a steel-decor room and cardboard boxes full of ammo rested on the center table.  The captain or general or secretary (I don’t recall) said “Go!” and everyone lunged for the weapons like they were candy, stuffing grenades, guns, and dynamite in their pockets.

I wore a jacket comparable to this one (based on my real-life coat, also from American Eagle):

Mine had big inside pouches... maybe it's made from opossums (you thought I was going to say kangaroo... No? You didn't? My bad...)

Mine had big inside pouches... maybe it's made from opossums (you thought I was going to say kangaroo... No? You didn't? My bad...)

I also think that the compound was somehow connected to a resort, like in the old episodes of Get Smart.  The reason I bring this up is because at one point, after a member of my team falls through a concealed trap door, in searching for him, we fall through a similar hinged entrance.

We end up trapped with our fallen friend in a room on the resort side.  The windows are shatter-proof and there are no doors.  We can’t escape.  Then through the windows, we see a couple that I apparently met earlier.  They open the window from a latch outside, but they won’t let us out unless we can name who’s singing the song coming from their bedroom TV next door.

Right away, I know who it is: Shania Twain, and she’s doing a duet with Eurotrash superstar (?) Juraveggio Mugaiojdvkiaw… (I don’t know exactly – it was some weird dream name).

I just don't have enough dreams about her.

I just don't have enough dreams about her.

The couple let us out, and I ran to the TV because it was one of my favorite videos.  This guy was singing the duet with Shania:

Actor: Peter Stormare!
Actor: Peter Stormare!

Anyyojoe… my team ends up getting shipped out to do battle with Cobra, and it’s at this point that I realize I watching/participating in the G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie and I’m pissed!  It took this long to get to any battles?! 

There was a car chase that lead to a field with way too many chain link fences.  Bullets!  Bombs!  Explosions!

I was about to get captured/killed when I realized I had one of those hypersuits (whatever the fuck they’re wearing in this preview), and I started leaping and hopping about, between crater blasts and flimsy fences.  Something trips me and I land at the feet of a guy dressed like this:

Like the costume on the left, but more in the direction of the one on the right... also, is she smiling at her own reflection?

Like the costume on the left, but more in the direction of the one on the right... also, is she smiling at her own reflection?

As I struggle to get to my feet, he removes his mask, and lo!  Who is it?

Juraveggio Mugaiojdvkiaw…

I walked out of the movie/woke up because I thought it was stupid.

INGREDIENTS: Working 13 hours (and until 1am), 2 Cheesy Double Beef Burritos, 1 24oz. bottle of none other than Mt. Dew

JusWondering… “Nobody Nose” – I Smell A Conspiracy

Posted on by sgottahurt

Little voice, big um...
Little voice, big um…

You know that cringe.  

Tennis shoes and can sing? Marry me
Tennis shoes and can sing? Marry me

That recoiling feeling when something is justnotright.  It’s minor, maybe ignorable, and perhaps even a subconscious tingling, but you still notice it.  When Sara Bareillis first hit the scene with her infectious (will-it-be-one-)hit(-wonder?), “Love Song,” I took note of her CD cover in passing at a Target.  I wondered what she looked like, but I didn’t take the further effort to investigate, um, further, like by simply flipping over the case. 

I didn’t think much about the picture at the time.  It only reminded me of how they made Alanis Morissette mysterious with quick cuts (which seem slow nowadays) in her video for “You Oughta Know.”  (It’s so Nineties it’s hilarious.)

When I finally saw the video, that’s when the cringe hit me.  Could it be?  Would they?

One of my biggest pet peeves in the world is what I’ve come to collectively call: Marketing.  It’s not just about the corporations anymore (though in this case it is).  I hate being sold to, and if you’re a poser, you’re a loser (my lame t-shirt slogan… I bet I could make a shitload off selling it to posers, though).  I try to associate myself with real people for this very reason.  In fact, I think this whole country would be a whole lot better place if people weren’t afraid to be who they really are, and if they don’t know who they are, I’d hope that they could enjoy the ride of trying to figure that out.

Anyhooptyhoo, I find Sara attractive.  I’m a sucker for the chanteuses as it is, and it makes me mad that the marketers of this world (particularly her label), may not have.  They thought she might not sell if the front and back covers were reversed.  These are my own interjections, of course, but this is the same label she directed the song at.  They wanted her to write a catchy pop love song to sell to the masses, and in response, her inner cringe produced a massive hit. 

And what prompted all this old news to get dragged up?  Not as old news that’s become new news due to any upcoming DVD release.

Why cover your costar?
Why cover your costar?
Why cover your star?
Why cover your star?

I felt the cringe when the original posters came out, and I don’t think it was just because they’re not even in the slightest least bit funny…