david letterman

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Life And Times Of Admiral Ackbar

Posted on by sgottahurt

"I'm your host, Admiral Ollie Ackbar, and this is my sidekick, Ed McMonCalamari."

"I'm your host, Admiral Ollie Ackbar, and this is my sidekick, Ed McMonCalamari."

This was one messed up dream, and it requires a bit of back story.  I don’t know if the back story occurred in the dream, or if my subconscious naturally knew it, but here we go:

Apropos of nothing, including Star Wars, Leno, Letterman, Conan, Kimmel, and Fallon, everyone’s favorite token Mon Calamarian, Admiral Ackbar, hosted the highest-rated late night show in America (think Krusty the Clown).  He was on top of the world, until one night when a prank went bad.

Apparently, a woman was invited on stage for a skit that involved ham, bacon, and other various pork products, such as, um, pork.  She was eight months pregnant, and against the producers wishes, Ackbar went ahead with the bit.  Something about the segment startled her and caused her water to break.  Live.  On national TV.

This lead to him getting banned from everything and everywhere, and he eventually went into the witness protection program when threats on his life seemed credible.  Now back to the present day… dream.

While living under his new identity, he eventually started butting heads with his handlers.  Unable to blend in, he put on an elaborate show which exposed his location.  Soon enough, the credible threat found him.  It ended up being a mechanical pig that looked a bit like this:

(Not So) Artistic Representation

(Not So) Artistic Representation

The roboswine wasn’t the only surprise… 

All along, the reason the government thought Ackbar’s life was in danger was incorrect.  They believed it was because the public was outraged that he caused his audience member to go into early labor.  The real reason?  The pigdroid was upset about the wasted pork products, bitter of the fact that he no longer consisted of pork products.

And the meatless metal meanie never intended to kill Ackbar – he only wanted an apology.  The consummate host obliged and soon was back on top of the world.

INGREDIENTS: A late night helping of regular Oreo’s and a glass of chocolate milk.

Musical Musings… SimilariTegans In The Metric System

Posted on by sgottahurt

I like both of these songs, as minimalist and repetitive as as they are… but is it just me, or are they kind of the same even though they’re different?  It’s probably just me.

I feel the same way about the beginnings of these songs, too:

SIDE NOTE: I like the acid flashback feeling of seeing the old CD cases in the Letterman clip.

JusWondering… Tony Danza – Better Oscar Host Than Hugh Jackman?

Posted on by sgottahurt

This could have been In My Brain While Sleeping, but it may have occurred to me more as I was waking up: Tony Danza, famous for playing characters named Tony, should host the Academy Awards this year instead of Hugh Jackman.

Not to knock Wolverine off his high horse, but I think it’s time for this amicable, consummate entertainer to get his crack at another day.   Sure, “The Tony Danza Show” had it’s many flaws, but what about “Taxi” (the show not the flick)?  Who can forget the gender battleground that was “Who’s the Boss?”  And then there’s, um, always “Hudson Street“…

Plus, he’s been in film, and that’s a requirement to host the Oscars (David Letterman squeaked by with a cameo in “Cabin Boy“).  I’ll always remember Tony’s stunning performance in “She’s Out of Control!”

So in the end, do you want this?

When you can have this?

Reporter lady – what do you think?

Oh, They Only Pick On You Because They’re Jealous – The Tom Cruise Story

Posted on by sgottahurt

Poor Tom Cruise… I think I’m growing a soft spot for the little guy.  Of late, he’s making the talk show circuit to promote his new movie, “Valkyrie,” and every time I’ve caught his interview, something inside me dies.

It’s pitiful, really, how much pandering he seems to have to go through to get back into the public’s good graces.  Back in the day, when he kept his life private – Mega Movie Star.  Since “meeting” Katie Holmes and doing that crazy interview on Oprah – not so much.

(Although I must say this: when I’m 44, if I hook up with a woman 16 years younger than me, I can’t promise I’m not jumping on some couches, too.  Hopefully, she’s hotter than Holmes.)

Watch his appearance on Letterman last night and tell me if it doesn’t feel like the sap just wants to be liked? 

He’s trying too hard, and it reeks of bad parental advice.  Imagine:

Mommy, they’re being mean to me at school.  I don’t think nobody likes me.

To which Mommy (a.k.a. Daddy Hubbard or Uncle Miscavige) replies:

They’re jealous, my boy.  You can’t let them get to you.  Just get back out there and be the best you you can be.  If they pick on you – ignore them.  Better yet… laugh with them.

A lot of good it did me, Mom.  All I have to show for being the best me I can be is an ass-kicking that left me with a head scar and a detached testicle.  Thanks for a lifetime of explaning why my nutsack hangs to my knees, and that no, I did not steal your _____!