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In My Brain While Sleeping… Camping Is Not A Good Time For Nightmares

Posted on by sgottahurt

This post could have easily turned into a Drunken Recollection, considering the amount of beers downed over my time camping.  As I explained to my sister, when I was on a cruise, I had documentation of how quickly I could finish a drink: every 15 minutes.  She didn’t believe me, so she checked the clock on her phone and timed me.  I didn’t rush.  I casually chatted and played ladder golf.  11 minutes.  I’m not proud.  Well, maybe a little.

Anylowenbrau, both nights while in my tent, I was awakened with a start.  Was it the booze?  Was it the location?  Who cares knows, but both dealt with unstoppable killers.

The first night’s dream started off okay.  It featured the lovely Julie Bowen.

julie_bowen-edit

I tried. She changed her number.

Sure, she was breaking up with me, but I was keeping calm.  I remember saying, “Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t still love me.”  And she couldn’t.  So WIN!

Somebody was trying to interview me about my latest book, and we kept trying to move to quieter areas in the nightclub.  Eventually, we were in the alley, where my car was parked.  The trunk was open, and a sewer portal was running through it.

The interviewer spotted a mining cap and pick axe and reached for it.  I warned him not too, and that’s when this guy appeared:

sewerguy

Pote Snitkin cleans up pretty nice.

At least that’s the closest approximation of the horror that chased me.  And he would not stop.  At one point, I was on a roof top, and as he darted at me, he ran into a wall and fell over the side of the building.

Feeling safe, I proceeded to climb down the ladder not far from his crushed face and distorted body.  As I neared the ground, he smiled and started sitting up.  I woke up immediately.

The next night, my cousin’s stepson was telling me about this video showing the ghost of Michael Jackson.  People that know me and/or keep up on this site know how I feel about ghosts.  But I was determined not to let a ten year old see my eyes well up.  Luckily, upon returning home, I discovered this explanation of the “phenomenon”:

But it still didn’t help the fact that the second night, I had a dream I was driving around at night and saw a bunch of people running in the streets.  Cars were hitting people and they were flying everywhere.  I saw the UPS guy that brings PC deliveries to our office get struck, so I stopped my car to check on him.  As I did, a big zombie burly guy in a jump suit appeared behind me and shanked me – another one of my greatest fears.

This dream woke me in the middle of the night.  I had to pee, but I had no flashlight.  I went anyway.  It proves I’m a big boy.  I can handle anything.

Except MJ’s ghost…

Not good timing, at all...

Not good timing, at all...

To Say This Woman Has Brass Cajones Is An Insult And An Understatement (Steel Labia Perhaps?)

Posted on by sgottahurt

I was about to list a handful of reporters, and tell them to get the fuck out of the way, but then I realized I was hard pressed to find any that could hold a torch to CNN’s Sara Sidner.  I don’t think in all my recent years I’ve ever seen a modern reporter handle a situation like this:

To me, she is already reminiscent of those I consider to be the Greats – your Cronkites, your Brokaws, your Jennings.  I need to keep an eye on Sara Sidner.  I need to believe there are journalists out there willing to report their findings… not their opinions.  Here’s a bit about Sara Sidner from an article by Leslie Griffith from the Huffington Post:

Objectification to reach a goal is not Sara’s style. Instead she chose the unknown. She chose to walk away from the comforts of home toward potential terror. She has a reporter’s heart and mind, and if she could be cloned, Americans would be better informed and democracy would be safer. She chose to immerse herself in Indian culture while surrounded by countries with itchy trigger-fingers, twisted loyalties and sectarian and political killing fields.

The lump in my throat melted when I saw Sara reporting from Mumbai. I knew her ability to gather information and relate it to viewers, and I also know America cannot avoid another 9/11 without understanding these conflicts.

As a counter-point, imagine if this guy had been in India during the attack:

(via Heartless Doll)

EXCLUSIVE: Excerpts From Obama’s “First Draft” Of Victory Speech Found In Potbelly’s Trash Can

Posted on by sgottahurt

As powerful as expected, President Elect Barack Obama gave his victory speech in Chicago’s Grant Park last night.  My sister, Becky, was there to witness it as it happened. 

I was just there over the weekend, as I mentioned in another post, to see the Lions get beat by the Bears, barely.  (I was wearing my #20 Seanders jersey, and you better believe I was the nicest guy in Soldier Field ever, but I digress.)  I was kind of waiting for the inevitable to happen before I revealed this, but… I found a copy of Obama’s first draft of the speech.

It turned up in a trash bin outside of a Potbelly near Michigan Avenue.  What was I doing looking in the trash, you might wonder, and rather than let your mind wander, I’ll share this… my sister threw out half of her cookie I totally would have eaten!

Some highlights from the speech, followed by excerpts of the alleged first draft:

He opened the speech with talk of the American dream, and about the people that waited in record lines to vote.

It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states.

He originally planned to finish that statement with this: “…of states of confusion and states of clarity.”

After more positivity, he spoke about his opponent:

Sen. McCain fought long and hard in this campaign. And he’s fought even longer and harder for the country that he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine. We are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader.

I thought this part would have been nice had he kept it: “And wasn’t he great on Saturday Night Live?  The part about the Joe action figures, and the pork knives… heck, the whole thing was pretty hilarious.”

I congratulate him; I congratulate Gov. Palin for all that they’ve achieved. And I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead.

“Oh, and thanks, again Senator for choosing the Governor as your running mate.  Really, really thanks.”

He goes on to thank Vice President Elect Joe Biden, his wife, his children, his grandmother that passed away the day before the election, and the rest of his family.  Then he brought up his friends.

And to my campaign manager, David Plouffe, the unsung hero of this campaign, who built the best — the best political campaign, I think, in the history of the United States of America. To my chief strategist David Axelrod who’s been a partner with me every step of the way.

“And Bill… you know who you are, and where you are.  Whether you’re above ground, or underground.”

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to. It belongs to you. It belongs to you.

“And to you, and you, and you… (point at random people for about ten minutes).”

The remainder pretty much remained the same, except for the very ending.

This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can.

Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America.

“And thanks for taking a chance on me.”  Then he planned to close with one of these songs:

Or Flo Rida’s hit:

(Full actual transcript from CNN here.  Full actual video of speech here.)