abortion

(My Boss) Paul’s Top Five List… Subtle Christian-Approved 80’s Songs

Posted on by sgottahurt

Holy crap!  We’ve been busy at work, so my boss/friend Paul has been unable to make a new list, despite my pestering and bugging.  So in honor of the “Holy Crapness” of this event, allow me to present:

Top 5 Subtle Christian-Approved Songs of the 80’s

5) Maneater – Hall & Oates
Sample Line: “Watch out boy, she’ll chew you up!”
Christian-Approved Message: You couldn’t get anymore anti-oral sex than this song.  Missionary only, please.  (After marriage, of course…)

4) Keep Your Hands to Yourself – The Georgia Satellites
Sample Line: “No huggin’, no kissin’, until you make me your wife.”
Christian-Approved Message: This song should appeal to the abstinence-only crowd (hello, Jonas Brothers), as well as explain the shotgun weddings found often in the South (hello, Miley Cyrus).

3) We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off – Jermaine Stewart
Sample Line: (see title)
Christian-Approved Message: Another abstinence-only song.  Girls are throwing themselves at him, and he is telling them, “No thanks, let’s just dance and drink some cherry wine.”  He’s either very religious, or very gay… or both.  (There might be openings at the monastery.)

2) Papa Don’t Preach – Madonna
Sample Line: “I’m gonna keep my baby… mmm…”
Christian-Approved Message: While the fact that Madonna is singing about getting knocked up out of wedlock might not sit well with the religious right, the fact that she is going to keep my her baby and get married to the boyfriend has to appeal to the pro-life movement.  (And the messages of songs #3 and #4…)

1) You Shook Me All Night Long – AC/DC
Sample Line: “Yeah you… shook me… all… night… long.”
Christian-Approved Message: Unbeknowest to most people, this song is actually about a female demon that is exorcised.  (Or is it exercised?)

Who I always "Maneater" was about...

Whom I always thought "Maneater" was about...

Musical Musings… Kamikaze Karaoke (Buzzkill Songs)

Posted on by sgottahurt

"Bye bye, Miss American Pie..."

"Bye bye, Miss American Pie..."

Ever want to bring a fun night of karaoke to a stand-still?  Here are some suggestions to do exactly that (in no particular order):

Name – Goo Goo Dolls

Rumored to be about singer/songwriter Johnny Rzeznik’s childhood.  Both of his parents died when he was young, and he’s singing the song to his sisters that raised him.
BONUS DOWNER: His father was an alcoholic.  And just remember where you’re at when singing this.

The Freshmen – The Verve Pipe

Singer/songwriter Brian Vander Ark wrote this song that covers these incidents: a cancelled wedding, an abortion, and a suicide.  Only one really happened (see the next song for a hint).
BONUS RUMOR: My brother went to Western Michigan University, where this band also hailed.  Story goes they were kicked out of WMU because one of the band members raped a girl.  Party time.

Brick – Ben Folds Five

Band front man (duh) Ben Folds’ girlfriend has an abortion, and this melodic mood killer (bad choice of words?) tries to express how he felt… and succeeds.
BONUS SALT IN THE WOUND: The procedure takes place the day after Christmas.
BONUS HOT PEPPER SAUCE IN THE WOUND: They were still in high school.

Lightning Crashes – Live

Lead singer Ed Kowalczyk dedicated this song to a friend that was killed by a drunk driver.  The drunk driver was fleeing from police after committing a robbery.  The friend – she was only 19.
BONUS SILVER LINING: She donated her organs and saved the lives of others, including a 10-month-old baby.  That’s what the song is really about.  But still… bummer.

Tears in Heaven – Eric Clapton

Anyone that doesn’t know the story behind this song is lucky.  Well consider yourself lucky no more.  It’s about how Eric Clapton felt after his 4-year-old son, Conor, fell out of a window — on the 53rd floor of an NYC apartment building.
BONUS “REALLY?!” He hasn’t performed this song since 2004.  His reason:

I didn’t feel the loss anymore, which is so much a part of performing those songs. I really have to connect with he feelings that were there when I wrote them. They’re kind of gone and I really don’t want them to come back, particularly. My life is different now. They probably just need a rest and maybe I’ll introduce them for a much more detached point of view.

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This final bit contains the Unholy Trilogy which have actually caused me to leave a bar.  If you have to click any because either A) you don’t know it or B) you actually like it… I hate you.

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SIDENOTE: If you feel the need to reignite any karaoke night obliterated by any of the above performances, feel free to press the button below to save the night, despite what this list might claim:

Click Image In Emergencies

Click Image Only In Case Of Emergencies

JusWondering… Government And Its Euphemisms

Posted on by sgottahurt

Welcome to the United States of America.  Are we states united?  Last time I checked there was a whole bunch of Blue States and a whole bunch of Red States, and together these states sure don’t make Purple.  But it’s where we live, for better or worse, for sicker and poorer.

I just think it’s time we got a couple new euphemisms from the guys and gals in charge.

Here’s a few Classics:

  • When America Invades a Country = Pre-Emptive War
  • Project Scare Americans = Terror Alert Chart
  • We Have No Idea Who We’re Fighting = War on Terror
  • We Want To Spy on Everybody = Patriot Act
  • Shut Everybody Up About the Poor Education in this Country = No Child Left Behind

Here’s a few Modern Classics:

  • Man, is it Getting Hot or What? = Global Warming
  • Wannabe Hippie = Going Green
  • Perpetual Pipe Dream = Universal Health Care

And no doubt, here’s some Future ones as well:

  • $700-billion Bailout = Troubled Assets Recovery Program
  • Tax on the Rich = Investment in Middle America
  • Abortion Clinics = Instant Angel Factories (?)