Sports

Elisabeth’s Bringing Hassel… Er, Beck?

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s been happening for awhile now, quitely in the background of my mind (you know, that part that reminds you, “Hey, you need to cut the grass… tomorrow” or “Hey, I should start going back to the gym… tomorrow”).

I think I may be in love with Elisabeth Hasselbeck.  Or at least as much in love with her as I was with Princess Leia back in the day (I resisted typing A long time ago…) or Mrs. Fields.  How else can I explain the feeling I get at any glimpse of her image or mention of her name as I scour the TripleDoubleU?

I’ll admit it – I was a fan of Elisabeth’s back in her “Survivor” days. 

If cloning worked - meet the cast of The View

If cloning worked - meet the cast of The View

But I believed the feelings were fleeting, as it was with Colleen Haskell before her.

Awwww...

Awwww...

All Colleen got after “Survivor” was a role in a shitty Rob Schneider movie, then poof!  Out of sight – out of mind.  (I miss you, please come back!)

That’s why I think it’s different with Elisabeth.  She was gone, but not for long.  Though I am not a regular viewer of, um, “The View,” I will also admit to the fact that if I were home when it was on, I probably would watch.  I consider it a guilty pleasure.  Or would embarrassing pleasure be more like it?

Anywho, the political climate we’re in is causing headaches behind the scenes of the show.  I mean, we’re talking major headaches, one’s that even HeadOn couldn’t fix.

According to an article from Defamer:

Joy also told Elisabeth: “You sit there and make a fool out of yourself out there everyday and it’s pathetic. There are people we can’t book on this show because of you! And then you put out stories about you going to Fox News?! Please, even they know better!”

 Message to Whoopi (and Barb, I guess): Please make this fighting stop!  If Elisabeth departs your show, who knows where she’ll end up…  How will I see her?  How will I not forget her?  I don’t watch Fox News.  She doesn’t show up to Seattle Seahawk games like Jessica Simpson does for the Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys.  (NOTE: Elisabeth got Hasselbeck from the Seahawk’s quarterback, ‘natch!)

Well, maybe she does show up to the games – but I DON’T WATCH THEM!

AND I DON’T WATCH FOX NEWS.

AND I DON’T WATCH ROB SCHNEIDER FILMS.

Thanks in advance,

Sean

In My Brain While Sleeping… “The Baby That Ate Whole Food!”

Posted on by sgottahurt

My girlfriend is a professional night time parking lot cleaner.  What this job entails exactly, I’m not sure (other than the obvious).

I’m unemployed, so I take care of her infant son (or is it ours?) who is about, oh, twelve-inches-tall-with-his-legs-curled-up old.  He wears a one piece pajama suit the color of mint chocolate chip ice cream, minus the chocolate chips.  He barely knows how to use any of his limbs, so it shocks me the day he asks me telepathically:

“Can I have I bite of that burger?”

At first, I look around.  There’s no way the baby said something.  Besides, do you know what it took for me to get this burger from Applebee’s Carside to Go without a car?

“Yeah, it’s me.  I can speak with my mind.”

I looked the baby in the eyes, and he raised his eyebrows to prove it.

“Okay, so even though you may be able to speak in thoughts,” I told him, “you don’t have any teeth.  Plus, I don’t think you do a good job digesting what you get as it is.”

“Try eating what I do, and see what happens to you,” he warned.  “My gums are the toughest gums you’ll ever meet.  Go on and stick out your finger.  I’ll bite it clean off.”

I believed him, so I cut off a piece of the burger and fed it to him.  He chewed with such delight that his smile made his eyes almost disappear behind chubby cheeks.

“Now let’s go get some chili cheese curly fries,” he suggested.

I chastised him.  “Don’t think with your mouth full.”  Then I got up and grabbed my coat and his blankets and carriage.

INGREDIENTS: Game 1 of the World Series… and two hours of Lego Batman: The Videogame

(CAVEAT LECTOR: For the sake of keeping the dream retelling from going completely off the deep end, I omitted the part where the baby just turned into a floating head.)

In My Brain While Sleeping… “Ice, Bots, Heroes, and Ho’s”

Posted on by sgottahurt

It begins in a factory in subzero conditions, and the plant crumbles around me.  Equipment fails.  Alarms… alarm.  In the distance, there are booming explosions and metal screams as it tears apart.  There are three of us – the remaining workers – and we’re trying to escape.  At an elevator platform that runs up an icy slope to freedom, we realize only two go at once.  The largest worker, easily twice the size of me, sends the third guy and myself first.  “I’ll be right behind you,” he bravely states as he mans the controls that send us up the slope.

Halfway up, the lift suddenly shrieks to a stop.  It begins heading back down.  We yell to our portly hero, wondering what’s happened, but we quickly realize we’re approaching our demise.  The source of the factory’s destruction has found us; his intent is to killl.  His name – Bender.  (Yes, the robot from “Futurama.”)  It turns out I’m in an episode of “Futurama.”  (A very special episode, I guess.)

Cut to me watching the show in some seedy Downtown Anywhere bar with Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith (or Jay and Silent Bob, if you will… I’m unsure which incarnation they were in).  We’re discussing the headquarters of our local superheroes, the Pantheon, and how it has no discernable entrance, but all the heroes know how to get in.  Kevin-slash-Silent Bob (so maybe it was Kevin because he was chatty… but then again Silent Bob does have his moments) brings up the architecture outside of the heroes’ HQ.

“Have you noticed that over the years, the smaller the heroines’ tops get, the bigger the pillars seem to get?”

After kicking back a few more drinks, and I assume finishing the “Futurama” episode, we hit the streets.  The three of us are about to veer left when two ladies in skimpy black-and-red plastic outfits approach from the right.  They call out J&SB, so I keep walking.  I meet an old lady at the corner who abruptly and repeatedly asks me, “Are those ho’s superheroes or prostitutes?”  I continue walking home.

INGREDIENTS: four day old Hungry Howies pizza, Double Stuf Oreos, and organic milk, mixed with winning our softball game as well as Tampa Bay’s victory over Boston (boo-ya!), sprinkled with the softball team playing a punching arcade game at the bar.

Hey, Bring Back Sean, Bring Back Scott

Posted on by sgottahurt

Apparently, Michigan State University is the place to be for college football fun in Michigan.  Just ask my cousin Steve.  Here’s his 2:37am pep talk to get me and my bro to go. 

Yes, I’m looking at you Ann Arbor!  (Just leave my Wayne State Warriors alone.)

Lion Down On The Job

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m not going to deny that I can be a fair-weather fan from time to time (which I guess is redundant since a fair-weather fan is a “fan from time to time”), but when you come from Detroit, it’s forgivable to be like Michigan’s seasonal patterns.

And sure, we have the Red Wings and the Pistons (and we still may have the Tigers next season *fingers crossed*), but the Lions – oh boy.

Now it’s easy to sack them (ha ha), but I feel there’s only one thing they excel at: Getting Our Hopes Up.  But this season, I will not stand for it.  I’m secretly (well I guess not anymore) rooting against them.  I want that mythical 0-16 season that the Dolphins almost had last year.  Every other team gets to break records when they play against us, so let’s set one ourselves.

When watching their games, I’m always reminded of a comic strip that my uncle had on his fridge.  There was a picture of a little boy with present in his hand with the caption: “Still believes in Santa Claus.”  Next was a toothless little girl with the caption: “Still believes in the Tooth Fairy.”  The last panel was a middle aged guy with a number 20 jersey and one of those beer hats with the caption: “Still believes in the Lions.”

The ads around here ask: “Do You Believe in Now?”  Ask me tomorrow.