In My Brain While Sleeping

In My Brain While Sleeping… Russell Simmons’ New Game Show

Posted on by sgottahurt

Russell Simmons had a cast of about fifty people from all kinds of ethnic backgrounds for his new game show – “Yellow & Blue Make Green.”  We were all outside of the set, and questions were brewing amongst the potential contestants.

“Do you think green means environmental, or do you think green mean money?”

The warehouse doors opened to allow entrance.  Inside resembled a Nickelodeon show like “Double Dare.”  There were shelves containing yellow liquids and blue liquids.  Some had yellow clay and blue clay.  Yellow paint and blue paint.  Yellow pudding and blue pudding.

I was curious.  In between each of the pairs of substances existed one green colored combination of the two. 

“I’ll bet we’re supposed to compete by mixing these and whomever gets closest to that color the fastest wins.”

Russell finally greeted us all and lead us into another area of the warehouse that looked more like a store.  He picked ten people of which I was one, and sent the rest into the green room.

He said the first person to bring him a green balloon would win, but he didn’t say what they’d win.  As everyone tried to combine yellow and blue balloons, I found a green one and brought it to Russell.  He said I get to chose the fate of someone in the green room.  I asked in what way, and he said whatever I thought that meant.

I decided to let everyone play, and he said that meant everyone won!

“Money?” I asked.  He shook his head.  “Environmental awareness?”  Again he shook his head.

“Harmony,” he responded.

INGREDIENTS: eleven bottles of Miller Lite, thirty combination pizza rolls, and three spoon fulls of large curd cottage cheese… yum!

In My Brain While Sleeping… Perry Como Torture

Posted on by sgottahurt

I woke up this morning with this lyric stuck in my head: “Gee, the traffic is…”

I couldn’t remember the other word.  “The traffic is delicious.”  “The traffic is ridiculous.”  “The traffic is… delicious.”  I felt like Andy Bernard in “The Office” when he could remember the end of “Break me off a piece of that-duh-duh-duh!”

So first thing I do is turn on my pc to Google search the lyric, and found that “Gee, the traffic is terrific.”  Leave it to Perry Como to be happy about it!  And no wonder I couldn’t think of it!

Anywaterunderthebridge, I also dreamt an idea for “Hard Rain 2,” which may come in handy since Christian Slater’s once again out of work.  Although, in my version, Seth Rogan was one of the guys, and I think I had Nicholson Lite’s role.  I would detail it here, but it is actually pretty cool (IMHO) so I’m holding onto it for now.  If I change my mind, you’ll be the first to know (after any person I know in real life that will pretend to listen to me, i.e. my siblings).

(Some Andy Bernard highlights after the jump… and some bonus Creed.)

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In My Brain While Sleeping… Sabotage Live!

Posted on by sgottahurt

This one was a doozy.  It started with Jerry Mathers having his own talk show, named after the remake/update of his old show.  Problems were occurring on set between him and the crew, so they replaced him with Willie Aames.

Buddy... is in charge now bitch!

Insert: Buddy... is in charge now bitch!

Things weren’t going that well for him once he took over either.  He had all kinds of demands and rage fits (in retrospect, I’m beginning to think the crew was the problem).

How they decided to sabotage Willie was to have Subway sponsor a fund raiser he was hosting at a cancer center.  The catch: Subway canned their $5 Foot Long campaign for a new one…

There Willie Aames is... get him!

There Willie Aames is... get him!

Seriously… this was my dream.

INGREDIENTS: Peanut butter on a bagel, way too much blog reading

In My Brain While Sleeping… Product Placement

Posted on by sgottahurt

Richard Chamberlain

Not pictured: Richard Chamberlain... Pictured: floating child head

In a high rise, um, high above Gotham, Bruce Wayne and I were speaking with a third party about investing in the future.

“Stride bubblegum,” Bruce began.  “It’s the taste of the future.”

“And the future is now,” I added.

Bubblegum was growing in petri dishes, and our guest wasn’t sold.  As it turned out, he didn’t have the funds to cover such an investment.  That’s when I pulled out a Capital One credit card.

“It’s the credit card of the future,” Bruce uttered without further prompting.

I merely nodded this time.  As our potential business partner contemplated his next move, an alram sounded through the city (I guess the bat signal wasn’t enough.)  Bruce excused himself.

Soon, there was a giant Shogun Warrior (by Mattel) roaming Gotham’s streets.  I wondered, “How will Batman defeat this monstrosity?”

With a Bat Gundam of course.  (This could happen.  Check here.)

BONUS: Halloween advice from a dream over the weekend – if you want to make a bowl of M&M’s last longer, try cutting them all in half.

INGREDIENTS: Ten hours of surfing the 3x2xU since I was out of town all weekend, coupled with a GladWare storage container full of five-day old Kraft spaghetti.

In My Brain While Sleeping… Short and Sweet

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ll cut these odd, recollected flashings to the point:

The Short:

Just like them, except more thumb-like

Just like them, except more thumb-like

There was a pair of thumb-shaped people.  Each of them were about two-feet tall, one man, one woman.  They dressed in the style of traditional (stereotypical?) Dutch people.  The weird thing was the guy had to stay laying down, otherwise his organs would shift and kill him, and the lady had to stay standing for the same reason.  They were on a news report in my dream that stated, “They’re perfect for each other.  He can pick up low things, and she can grab things that are high… well, two-feet high…”

 

The Sweet:

me

Not pictured: me, spaghetti

I was hanging out with Posh and Becks.  We were at their house, in which everything was pure white – the fancy carpet, the leather couches, the marble end tables.  Posh was leaning over the end table, leafing through magazines.  Becks was relaxing across one of the couches (I think it was the love seat, but I didn’t want to put that… oops… at least I didn’t put he was shirtless… damn!)  I was sitting on the floor across from Posh, at the end of the coffee table.  We were all eating spaghetti for some reason.  Finis.

Yummy... wait, what?
Yummy… wait, what?

(Above pic from Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster)

Bonus spaghetti: Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!

In My Brain While Sleeping… Hollywood Stars To The Rescue!

Posted on by sgottahurt

There was a group of us… sixteen or so.  We were on vacation in Europe.  The group was comprised of mostly friends, some family… and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

As I was trying to organize who would ride in what vehicles (we had four four-seaters… green Volvos, they seemed to be), I noticed Brad and Angie were nowhere to be seen.

“They’re still inside unpacking,” someone informed me.  I still hadn’t met them, and though I was excited to, I knew we’d be introduced at our final destination.

So the group divvied up.  My cousin Liz’s car got Brangelina.  And we each took off on our own accord (in green Volvos, not Accords).

Upon reaching our final destination, the bulk of the group was antsy to go in.  There was no sign of Liz’s car, so I offered to be polite and wait, while the rest of the group entered the underwater horse racing track.

When the last car arrived, I introduced myself to the superstar pair.  I played it sooo cool.  My cousin and her fiance Sam were itching to place some bets and they hurried in.  That’s when Mr. and Mrs. Smith let me in on a little secret:

“We’re here to save a horse.”

I knew the security was going to be tight around the animals, so I cautioned them.

“We already have some people inside.”

Were they talking about “my people?”  My people couldn’t even figure out driving arrangements without me.

“That’s why we need you.”

Somehow, we fashion some alternate method to get into the underwater dome (see SIDENOTE below), and we finally make our way to the carriage house.  A horse with a broken leg awaits its execution.

“With all the technology we have, why can’t we fix this travesty?”

Suddenly, Brangelina’s brood appears, and it dawns on me.  They’re the “people inside.”  The children work together to pickup the horse – their combined strength amazes me.

As the family makes it to their escape vessel to escape, one question remains: how did the kids get down there?  And how are they so strong?  (Okay, so it’s two questions.)

Angelina smiles.  She let’s Brad answer, “Why do you think they’re named the way they are?”

As they disappear up to the surface, I contemplate Maddox, Zahara, Pax, Shiloh, Vivienne, and Knox.  It finally hits me: they’re robots!

(SIDENOTE: The equipment we built to get underwater was out of giant Legos.  Blame it on “Lego Batman: The Videogame” again.)

INGREDIENTS: Half a bag of Chips Ahoy!, some Betty Crocker Rich & Creamy Vanilla frosting, a couple glasses of organic milk, a chunk of Velveeta cheese, and a 24 oz. Mt. Dew

(Really, is that all I ate yesterday!?)

In My Brain While Sleeping… “The Baby That Ate Whole Food!”

Posted on by sgottahurt

My girlfriend is a professional night time parking lot cleaner.  What this job entails exactly, I’m not sure (other than the obvious).

I’m unemployed, so I take care of her infant son (or is it ours?) who is about, oh, twelve-inches-tall-with-his-legs-curled-up old.  He wears a one piece pajama suit the color of mint chocolate chip ice cream, minus the chocolate chips.  He barely knows how to use any of his limbs, so it shocks me the day he asks me telepathically:

“Can I have I bite of that burger?”

At first, I look around.  There’s no way the baby said something.  Besides, do you know what it took for me to get this burger from Applebee’s Carside to Go without a car?

“Yeah, it’s me.  I can speak with my mind.”

I looked the baby in the eyes, and he raised his eyebrows to prove it.

“Okay, so even though you may be able to speak in thoughts,” I told him, “you don’t have any teeth.  Plus, I don’t think you do a good job digesting what you get as it is.”

“Try eating what I do, and see what happens to you,” he warned.  “My gums are the toughest gums you’ll ever meet.  Go on and stick out your finger.  I’ll bite it clean off.”

I believed him, so I cut off a piece of the burger and fed it to him.  He chewed with such delight that his smile made his eyes almost disappear behind chubby cheeks.

“Now let’s go get some chili cheese curly fries,” he suggested.

I chastised him.  “Don’t think with your mouth full.”  Then I got up and grabbed my coat and his blankets and carriage.

INGREDIENTS: Game 1 of the World Series… and two hours of Lego Batman: The Videogame

(CAVEAT LECTOR: For the sake of keeping the dream retelling from going completely off the deep end, I omitted the part where the baby just turned into a floating head.)

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Next Hollywood Blockbuster

Posted on by sgottahurt

In world left asunder by war and poverty… a future that’s not that far… ahead…

Battles are no longer fought by armies and men, but by giant robots (but not like “Robot Jox” robots)…

They meet in a stone cold mountain ring, and battle to knock each other’s blocks off…

Starring Mark Wahlberg.  (Seriously, he was in my dream.)

INGREDIENTS: Pitchers of beer + two cherry bombs.

In My Brain While Sleeping… “Ice, Bots, Heroes, and Ho’s”

Posted on by sgottahurt

It begins in a factory in subzero conditions, and the plant crumbles around me.  Equipment fails.  Alarms… alarm.  In the distance, there are booming explosions and metal screams as it tears apart.  There are three of us – the remaining workers – and we’re trying to escape.  At an elevator platform that runs up an icy slope to freedom, we realize only two go at once.  The largest worker, easily twice the size of me, sends the third guy and myself first.  “I’ll be right behind you,” he bravely states as he mans the controls that send us up the slope.

Halfway up, the lift suddenly shrieks to a stop.  It begins heading back down.  We yell to our portly hero, wondering what’s happened, but we quickly realize we’re approaching our demise.  The source of the factory’s destruction has found us; his intent is to killl.  His name – Bender.  (Yes, the robot from “Futurama.”)  It turns out I’m in an episode of “Futurama.”  (A very special episode, I guess.)

Cut to me watching the show in some seedy Downtown Anywhere bar with Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith (or Jay and Silent Bob, if you will… I’m unsure which incarnation they were in).  We’re discussing the headquarters of our local superheroes, the Pantheon, and how it has no discernable entrance, but all the heroes know how to get in.  Kevin-slash-Silent Bob (so maybe it was Kevin because he was chatty… but then again Silent Bob does have his moments) brings up the architecture outside of the heroes’ HQ.

“Have you noticed that over the years, the smaller the heroines’ tops get, the bigger the pillars seem to get?”

After kicking back a few more drinks, and I assume finishing the “Futurama” episode, we hit the streets.  The three of us are about to veer left when two ladies in skimpy black-and-red plastic outfits approach from the right.  They call out J&SB, so I keep walking.  I meet an old lady at the corner who abruptly and repeatedly asks me, “Are those ho’s superheroes or prostitutes?”  I continue walking home.

INGREDIENTS: four day old Hungry Howies pizza, Double Stuf Oreos, and organic milk, mixed with winning our softball game as well as Tampa Bay’s victory over Boston (boo-ya!), sprinkled with the softball team playing a punching arcade game at the bar.

In My Brain While Sleeping… “Scorsese Can’t Save Me!”

Posted on by sgottahurt

Update: I originally pulled this because I didn’t like the ending, but my sister Becky had a dream end the same way for a week prior to mine, so it’s back for the weirdness of that.

Last night’s dream session was a doozy.  It all began with me attending the brand new arena for the Colorado Avalanche; they were playing the Red Wings.  But this was the new and enhanced version of hockey.  The rink was squared, and there were goals at each wall – so two goaltenders per team.

As I made my way around the extravagant facilities, with the wide aisles, plush seats, carpeting, and fine dining.  I came upon three of my friends, who incidentally wore the same long-sleeve polo shirt with one-inch green and navy blue stripes.  I mocked them for matching, but the third friend swore his wasn’t the same… it was green and black stripes.

No one had noticed the accessory on my face – a bull nose ring.  Rather than the ring being pierced through the flesh that keeps me from having one giant nostril (imagine that!), it was a metal clamp that was held together by a screw that went through my lip.

As I mingled with the masses, which included celebrities, the nose ring somehow came unattached and slipped into my mouth.  It got lodged in my throat, so I hurried to the bathroom so I could hack it out.

In the marble and gold encrusted expanse that was the unisex bathroom, I politely tried to cough the ring out.  Men and women were coming and going (no puns intended folks).  Slowly but surely, the place emptied out.  Even the bubble bath bathers were leaving.  Once alone, I coughed up a storm (why I waited, I have have no idea… I must not have been choking since it was a ring).

Finally, I got it out and tried to figure out how to get the thing back on.  Marty Scorsese came in at that point and we had some idle chit-chat in front of the mirrors.  Another guy came in and brandished a gun.  First, he pointed it at Scorsese, but then he aimed at me.  I remember turning and the bullet struck me behind the ear on the left side of the head.  I fell back and felt the warm spilling out my neck as Marty stood over me, telling me he missed.

Then I woke up.  Must have been that taco salad I ate last night after watching the Wings game.  And I think I might coming down with a cold since my nose is runny and my throat is scratchy…  Oh, and I can’t take Thursdays anymore without my “30 Rock” fix!  I miss Tina Fey.  I love everything she does… even those commercials…