Film

Drunken Recollection… Movies of the Week Circa 1980

Posted on by sgottahurt

i’m not in as much pain as I was in last time, but on this eve of hops and barley, I’ve become deteremined to find the name of one, if not both, TV movies.

Let me interject my theory on the way the brain works.  I feel the best way to picture our memory is that it’s a warehouse full of boxes.  The older you grow, the more boxes you get.  There may be millions or billions, but basically, what it comes down to is which boxes you can access.  This determines, in part, your intelligence, or at least, your memory.

How I picture it is these boxes contain knowledge you’ve amassed through your life, but if the top is closed (due to alcohol, drugs, age, stress), it’s temporarily or perminently lost.  Why I say that is because sometimes you can send your synapses to look for something… and for the life of you, you know what it is but you can’t think of it… then days ly of this ater it pops in your head.

This is what I’m hoping for with these recollections.  ( I don’t even know if any of this makes any sense.)  I’m hoping I can trigger an answer.

The first flick I recalled was presumably named “The Vindicator,” but via IMDb, I discovered this film was a  “Robocop” clone.  What I remember about the movie was there was this guy who’s brother died in a car accident, so he souped up his truck with weapons (I remember a grapple hook most of all).  He set out to exact revenge against erratic drivers.  The very first catch he made with his hook was a man trying to get his pregnant wife to a hospital.

The second flick, well, that was easy.  I remembered one night in my youth, when I had a loose tooth about to fall out, this TV movie where a mentally challenged man was accused of hurting/killing a young girl, so he hid in a scarcrow.  They found him and killed him, but he returned from the dead or something.  IMDb did it’s job on this one: it’s called “Dark Night of the Scarecrow.”

I also found this on YouTube.  Thank heavens for the Internet – we don’t ever need to remember ever again.

If you have any inkling about the other movie, please give me a clue.

In My Brain While Sleeping… Hollywood Stars To The Rescue!

Posted on by sgottahurt

There was a group of us… sixteen or so.  We were on vacation in Europe.  The group was comprised of mostly friends, some family… and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

As I was trying to organize who would ride in what vehicles (we had four four-seaters… green Volvos, they seemed to be), I noticed Brad and Angie were nowhere to be seen.

“They’re still inside unpacking,” someone informed me.  I still hadn’t met them, and though I was excited to, I knew we’d be introduced at our final destination.

So the group divvied up.  My cousin Liz’s car got Brangelina.  And we each took off on our own accord (in green Volvos, not Accords).

Upon reaching our final destination, the bulk of the group was antsy to go in.  There was no sign of Liz’s car, so I offered to be polite and wait, while the rest of the group entered the underwater horse racing track.

When the last car arrived, I introduced myself to the superstar pair.  I played it sooo cool.  My cousin and her fiance Sam were itching to place some bets and they hurried in.  That’s when Mr. and Mrs. Smith let me in on a little secret:

“We’re here to save a horse.”

I knew the security was going to be tight around the animals, so I cautioned them.

“We already have some people inside.”

Were they talking about “my people?”  My people couldn’t even figure out driving arrangements without me.

“That’s why we need you.”

Somehow, we fashion some alternate method to get into the underwater dome (see SIDENOTE below), and we finally make our way to the carriage house.  A horse with a broken leg awaits its execution.

“With all the technology we have, why can’t we fix this travesty?”

Suddenly, Brangelina’s brood appears, and it dawns on me.  They’re the “people inside.”  The children work together to pickup the horse – their combined strength amazes me.

As the family makes it to their escape vessel to escape, one question remains: how did the kids get down there?  And how are they so strong?  (Okay, so it’s two questions.)

Angelina smiles.  She let’s Brad answer, “Why do you think they’re named the way they are?”

As they disappear up to the surface, I contemplate Maddox, Zahara, Pax, Shiloh, Vivienne, and Knox.  It finally hits me: they’re robots!

(SIDENOTE: The equipment we built to get underwater was out of giant Legos.  Blame it on “Lego Batman: The Videogame” again.)

INGREDIENTS: Half a bag of Chips Ahoy!, some Betty Crocker Rich & Creamy Vanilla frosting, a couple glasses of organic milk, a chunk of Velveeta cheese, and a 24 oz. Mt. Dew

(Really, is that all I ate yesterday!?)

JusWondering… Red Vs. Blue (Phillies Vs. Rays)

Posted on by sgottahurt

UPDATE: Now with working video.

Last night, as I watched the end of Game 3 of the World Series between the Tampa Bay Rays and Philadelphia Phillies, I found myself further rooting for Tampa Bay, and I might have realized why.

At first, it was easy to root for them – they were playing against the dreaded Boston Red Sox for the Pennant.  Now grant it, there’s always going to be a special place at the top of my shit list for the New York Yankees, but Boston sure ain’t far behind.  That’s because of all Boston teams (well, the Bruins are kind of like their Lions).  They came close to winning three titles in the same year (the Sox and the Celtics did it), but the New York Giants stopped Brady’s Butt Pats in their tracks.  (Thanks, Eli!)

I want Detroit to be the sports capital – I want at least two of the three great teams here to win in the same year at least once (I’ve written you off Lions, ‘natch).  So as I watched the game, I thought I may have found a kindred spirit in Tampa Bay.  It’s a do-over for the Detroit Tigers, with the Philadelphia Phillies standing in for the St. Louis Cardinals.  They both made it to the World Series the after having recent last place seasons and they each beat the Big Bad Wolf in their way there (we knocked out the Yankees in the ALDS and swept the A’s in the ALCS!)

Then the next realization hit me like a foul ball (while eating a cheese pretzel) – the color scheme’s the same!  Red vs. Blue.  If the MLB brass had their druthers, their dream series of Boston vs. LA carried the same palette.

This got me wondering how often this happened in baseball… this Red vs. Blue pattern.  Then I digressed and remembered this gem:

…Then, I digressed beyond that and thought of two films I recently watched within a 24-hour period that followed the same pattern.  Enjoy!

(If you can’t watch this entire clip below, skip to 6:20 mark.)

InASense, Lost… Luke Elsewhere For Hero

Posted on by sgottahurt

The always awesome nerdfest that is Topless Robot  has produced the top 5 reasons why Luke Skywalker is an idiot.  One major highlight from the list – Luke explaining his Rube Goldberg-esque plan on how to free Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt:

Luke: “Okay so, first we get Lando Calrissian posing as a guard inside Jabba’s Palace.”

You: “How do we do that?”

Luke: “We just get him a costume and he—just walks in.”

You: “Um, okay, say it’s that easy. So then Lando gets Han out of the carbonite and we pick them up and get away?”

Luke: “No. What happens next is that I put my lightsaber in a hidden compartment in R2-D2 and send R2-D2 and C3PO to Jabba the Hutt as gifts.”

You: “Wait, why-“

Luke: “Just listen. Next we have Leia pose as a bounty hunter arriving at Jabba’s palace with Chewbacca captured. She’s going to hand over Chewbacca to Jabba.”

You: “Wait, why? Wouldn’t that mean we would now have to rescue Han Solo, Chewbacca, R2-D2 and C3PO? That just makes it more difficult, right?”

Luke: “Just go with me here. Next, Leia is going to sneak around at night and get Han Solo out of the carbonite, but get captured.”

You: “What? Why would we get everyone captured like that?”

Luke: “Now I’ll show up, use my Force powers to get in to Jabba’s fortress, get past the guards to an audience before Jabba and then use my Jedi mind trick to get Jabba to release everyone. If that doesn’t work, then I’ll get captured.”

You: “Okay, if you can just use your Force powers to get in to the palace and all the way to Jabba, then let’s just have you go in right now and get Han out.”

Luke: “No, that’s stupid. I’m going to get myself captured. Because then you see, we’ll be taken to the sarlacc pit and then, when we’re on the skiff, I’ll get sent out first and then R2-D2 will manage to get to the top of Jabba’s sail barge and shoot out my lightsaber, and then with Lando’s help, we’ll just—rescue everyone and then everything will be fine!”

You: “That is the stupidest plan I’ve ever heard of.”

Luke:“I’ve thought of everything.”

You: “Clearly you didn’t.”

Full list here.

JusWondering… Size Matters Was Buried Beyond Pet Sematary

Posted on by sgottahurt

I just finished watching the latest episode of “South Park” entitled “Pandemic” (watch the full episode here).

To quickly sum up: Peruvian Flute Bands have become a pandemic, and in the traditional “South Park” fashion, things get overblown and out of control, and a new evil is unleashed on the world.  It’s in the ending of the episode that I lost it.

A few days ago, I posted this about the insufficiently examined concept of size of the “evil one” in horror films affecting the level of fear it produces.  Without giving the episode’s ending away, I referred to something similar to the reveal in the final act.

Seeing that reminded me I didn’t delve into the other end of the spectrum: too big is not scary.  Sure Godzilla can crush our house beneath his feet, and King Kong can pick his teeth with our ribs, but we see them as ominous by default.  There’s a sense of hopelessness, not panic – a main ingrediant in fear.

Take Peter Jackson’s “King Kong”: the ape himself was not terrifying (in fact, he was the prima(te)ry love interest).  Nor were the T-rex’s outrightly so.  But those giant insects… and the face-hugger things in the pit… although they were CGI-done-right, they wer able to get the skin crawling.

Now imagine King Kong as 48 inches tall.  He waits in the corner of your basement.  You flick on the lights, and see his scarred face.  He launches at you, roaring.  You scramble up the staircase with him only a stair or two behind you.  His long arms missing you by inches.  He’s big enough to be a manageable threat (as opposed to a two-foot tall King Kong you can keep away with a chair… or a Swiffer or something), and that’s what causes that special kind of anxiety.

Now why not six-foot tall… or eight or ten, you ask?  I believe it’s because my brain considers the possibility that it’s a man in costume.  That’s why four-foot tall works, because at best, that giant Gremlin or tiny Godzilla is an adolescent or preteen in costume.  I can see an adult going loco, but a middle-schooler?

In closing: babies and little kids aren’t scary (depending on who you ask I guess) because of their size, adults are lame, and awkward ten, eleven, and twelve year olds are the root source of our nightmares.  (Perchance we remember too well…)

(EXCLUSION TO THE SIZE MATTERS: the homicidal kid in “Pet Sematary” is kinda creepy, but nowhere near as revolting as the adult sister in bed.)

Who Could Ask For Anything More?

Posted on by sgottahurt

What do I love more in the whole wide world than a new Zac Efron movie? 

Nick Nolte talking about said Zac Efron movie!

Doncha just get lost in their eyes...

Doncha just get lost in their eyes...

(Not really, but it’s hilarious anyway… courtesy of one of my fave ass-kickingest sites: Filmdrunk.)

(Pics from People Magazine and breakin’ the law.)

An (Illogical) Oldie But a Goodie

Posted on by sgottahurt

Leonard Nimoy is a prince amongst men.  Not only has he brought us decades of Spock, innumerable answers (?) in “In Search Of…” and of course the ghost in his directorial effort (or upchuck depending how you look at it), “Three Men and a Baby.”

And there’s always gonna be this: 

Lyrics after the jump… Read More

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Next Hollywood Blockbuster

Posted on by sgottahurt

In world left asunder by war and poverty… a future that’s not that far… ahead…

Battles are no longer fought by armies and men, but by giant robots (but not like “Robot Jox” robots)…

They meet in a stone cold mountain ring, and battle to knock each other’s blocks off…

Starring Mark Wahlberg.  (Seriously, he was in my dream.)

INGREDIENTS: Pitchers of beer + two cherry bombs.

The He-Man That May Never Be, Man

Posted on by sgottahurt

One of my favorite sites, Topless Robot, reported last week that Warner Bros. is balking at the chance to bring a revisionistist fan-centric version of “Masters of the Universe” to the big screen.  Considering what “Transformers” did for Dreamworks/Paramount, you’d think the execs would take a chance at this established childhood relic (maybe they’re still feeling the pain from “Speed Racer”).

Nonetheless, the great sci-fi/fantasy epic that could have been, may never be.  I’d give up “Transformers 2” and “G.I. Joe” for a shot to see a real world representation of this (though I’d never give up a live-action “M.A.S.K”):

For more on the fate of the movie, click here.

JusWondering… Size Matters?

Posted on by sgottahurt

With Halloween approaching, I begin my usual ponderings like: who’s hosting a party? 

Will there be booze?

The Right Answer

The Right Answer

And is someone in Hollywood considering a remake of “Gremlins” as a CGI movie?

That eventually leads me to ponder about what makes something scary in an allegedly scary movie.  CGI does not work.  Sure, “Jurassic Park” had the advantage of being the first flick to fool our minds with computer graphics, but it smartly mixed in animatronics and puppets as well.

To me, it’s the proximity of the “evil one” in relation to the hero that works well.  When the Queen in the first “Alien” film sleeps not far from where Ripley’s about to hit the hay, that’s creepy.  In “Ju-On,” the Japanese original remade into “The Grudge,” I can barely handle the scene when the girl in bed removes the covers off her face to find the ghost woman bent over her.  (Maybe my fears are sleep-based.)  Then there’s always that ending chase in “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”…

One facet of horror in film that I believe goes untouched is size.  Big things are terrifying and small things are chilling, but what about medium things?

Going back to to the puppets in “Gremlins,” they were definitely small dangerous, and small dangerous can be frightening (ask Karen Black in “Trilogy of Terror.”)  But Gremlins in all their puppety-ness can fit in blenders and microwaves.  What are you going to do against a four-foot tall Gremlin?  A four-foot tall Chuckie?  Or a four-foot tall hamster?

In order from least scary to most.

In order from least scary to most.