These are a few of the theories I’ve developed over the years. Check back every so often as I may remember/develop even more!
1) The Couch Potato Caveman Theory. TV viewing is a habit descended down from cavemen (sorry – cavepeople) staring at fire. This also includes staring at monitors whilst on the TripleDoubleU. I dare you to not get lost watching the dancing flames when you’re camping, or committing arson…
2) The “Distraction Leads To Inaction” Theory. Dirty old pervert scientists have been planning seeds to a sex-obsessed society for decades. This began back with the old “prevent osteoporosis” ads of yore. What I propose the men in white suits were doing at that time was pumping all the growth hormones they could into bovines, and passing said growth hormones onto the next generations. Have you seen how young women look these days? Bent spines might occur from something other than calcium deficiencies. Then couple that with the methods of reversing declining sex-drives in the older generations: plastic surgery, Rogaine, little blue pills… just when they might have otherwise started questioning the government and its motives! Go organic!
3) The Symphony of Life Theory. This is a theory I go back and forth on consistently, because who am I to think I’m right? I’m a nobody and I don’t. But that kind of thinking hasn’t stopped people preaching their beliefs according to ancient texts for thousands of years, so here I go: at times I feel everything is planned out for us 100%, like a composed symphony. We go through the motions, and make the best of our places on the scale, but it’s already pre-written. (____ is all-knowing, right?) What I find solace in is enjoying the connectedness I see. The strange coincidences, and the odd signs, and the bitter ironies that happen on a second-by-second basis. Pay attention – you might be surprised when the Symphony of Life strikes another chord.
4) The Urination Observation. If there is any difference between the sexes “skill sets,” I bet it all boils down to boys having to aim when they pee. This point might be argued by women that deal with any man on a regular basis, and their guy’s toilet habits. Just because a man might not always make it directly into the porcelain basin, it does not mean they cannot piss their name in the snow. Women, as far as I know, lack this ability (maybe in Sanskrit they can). Because of boys needing/wanting/having to develop spacial relations the minute they lose the diaper, if there is a difference in men’s ability to drive, build, play video games, blah… it’s due to the development of wang stream control.
5) The Floodgate Guy/Gal Theory. This is a little dude or dudette in your brain that normally watches what you say and do. The Floodgate Guy/Gal is highly susceptible to alcohol and is prone to falling asleep on the job.
6) The Vase Theory. This is the idea that everyone has an ideal mate – a vase if you will – and everyone they pursue may or may not fit into that vase, but the potential paramour will always be compared to said vase. “In your vase!” one may shout.
7) The Platter Theory. This pertains to how you balance the important people in your life. If your social circle was a platter, and you were a waiter/waitress holding that platter, the most important people in your life would be closest to the tray’s center, above your hand. Fringe aquaintances might be out near the edges, but it would require shifting the core to maintain equilibrium. There is no limit to what the tray can hold, other than the restrictions you place on it. You may also leave it empty if you want to stay sad :(
8) The Shoelace Theory. This is in direct opposition or direct proof of the Symphony of Life Theory. It pre-supposes that when minor inconveniences, like your shoelace coming untied or an ill-timed traffic light, occur, it happens to keep/put you on the exact path you’re meant to be/are on.
9) The Pizza Slice Theory. This involves a question and answer that will determine the woman I’m supposed to marry. I don’t dare ever ask it.