SIDENOTE: I should mention that I’m lazy.  So I looked up some of my favorites on the ol’ YouTube.  Enjoy.  Or don’t.  Fuck you.

• Liam Lynch’s United States of Whatever

• Sex Pistols’ Who Killed Bambi?

• Suicidal Tendencies’ Institutionalized

• Damien Carter’s Hangin’ Out With My Family

It’s bad when Wolverine is the best of the three.

But on the other hand, he is Canadian, and they have that certain William Shatner resilience.  So perhaps he can forget John Carter in his shadow, and leave Battleship behind him:

(Sorry, that’s lame… but so are these movies!)

There’s a Spider-Woman, but no Superwoman or Batwoman!

Well, since that day, I’ve done some investigating, and the others have existed.  Hence, I’m changing my postulate to this:

No major character spin-off with ‘woman’ in her title has ever had her own comic except for Spider-Woman!

But what about Wonder Woman, nerds you cry, or Catwoman!?  They aren’t spin-offs based on some male version (even though there is a Wonder Man over at Marvel, and who the hell was Catman?)…

Even Hawkwoman and Invisible Woman were originally Hawkgirl and Invisible Girl.  (Okay, so Hawkgirl and Hawkwoman are different characters, but latter hasn’t had her own comic line like the former.)

Hawkgirl gets love; Hawkwoman gets second-billing.

Anyshehulk, in the Marvel Universe, Spider-Man has nothing to do with Spider-Woman’s origin, whereas the Superwoman and Batwoman incarnations had ties to their male counterparts:

Some incarnations of Superwoman.

Some incarnations of Batwoman.

So what makes Spider-Woman so unique?  Compared to the above, Jessica Drew has almost always been Spider-Woman.  And she came before any of the other Spider-Man counterparts, too:

Spider-Girl is Spidey’s daughter, May; Spider-Boy is a mixture of Spider-Man and Superboy in a combined comic event (so in other words, not real, figuratively speaking).

Supergirl and Superboy have always been Supes‘ cousin or him as a kid (or later, a clone):

Supergirl… more like Superhot, and Superboy looks Superbored…

And as for Batgirl and Bat Boy…

…you should have all seen this coming.

SIDENOTE: For more on sexism in comics, check out Women in Refrigerators… this just turned into a PSA.

Lisa Tutankhamun

(via)

These came out of Hollywood when P.C. just meant Pacific Coast…

• THE TOY (1982)

For those of you unaware of the premise: a rich white guy rents an adult black man to be his son’s friend for a week.  I loved it as a kid, but in hind sight, how did it ever get made?  Who ever tricked Richard Pryor, Jackie Gleason, and director Richard Donner to get involved should get some kind of metal.  But then again, it was the 80′s.  Cocaine was probably somehow involved.

• SOUL MAN (1986)

White Actor! C. Thomas Howell plays a student that takes tanning pills to get dark enough skin to appear black.  Your first instinct might be to ask “Huh?” but here’s the answer to why: so he can get a scholarship to Harvard specifically intended for African-American students.  Now you can ask the “Huh?”

• WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S (1989)

This is the tamest of the three, but it’s seemingly the least credible.  How could Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy lug such a flexible deceased Bernie around all weekend without rigor mortis setting in?

In the process of doing so, he got a little carried away with lens flares.  That’s when light spreads from its source… here’s a collection of shots from the film:

The future’s so bright, I gotta wear BluBlockers.

So yeah, I thought it was a J.J. Abrams thing, but it might be Actor! Chris Pine’s thing:

Here he is in Star Trek…

…and here he is on the DVD cover for This Means War.

Any questions?

• Black Dog / White Dog

One wags, while the other swayze.

Black Dog is an action picture about an ex-con being tricked into smuggling illegal arms. White Dog is a movie starring Kristy McNichol around her ABC School Specialdays, and oh yeah – it’s about a racist dog.

• Think Like a Man / What Women Want

The themes of the films form some kind of mental Mobius strip. Better yet – Ouroboros… the snake that eats its own tail.

Despite nobody having a clue about either sex (sorry Steve Harvey – not all men operate on such basic levels, and sorry to all involved with What Women Want – women never know what they want), these films might as well be science fiction instead of comedies.

SIDENOTE: Speaking of comedies, want a good laugh?  Cameron Diaz is making a sequel called What Men Want.

• Act I: Food.
• Act II: Sex.
• Act III: Sleep.

Finis.

• Battleship / Clue: The Movie

I miss the days B4 B9 shit like this was made.

Sure, both are based on board games, but whereas Clue: The Movie was clever, Battleship is sunk by getting handed scrap footage from Transformers 3.

• Chernobyl Diaries / Princess Diaries

And somewhere in the middle sits The Nanny Diaries.

This one’s just dumb.  Moving on…

• Leonard Part 6

Prequels, anyone?

Bill Cosby, you weren’t fooling anyone.  Nor making them laugh.  Not even getting a smile, really…

Keep your sights on the bulls-eye…

First, Katniss has her way with the bow and arrow in The Hunger Games, then Hawkeye shows up as a master archer in The Avengers, and finally Princess Merida goes all Robin Hood in Brave.  Kinda weird, right?  Like Hollywood’s prepping us for Armageddon by developing a fondness for rudimentary varieties of arsenal.

But like I said, I unfortunately was late to the (hunger) game catching that one, so howzabout this Coinkydink or Coinkydonk… the flying vessels the Chitauri use in The Avengers are similar to the flying disks in Masters of the Universe movie:

Sorta…?

What about the Chitauri Leviathan, then?  It looked comparable to those Decepticon ships in Transformers: Dark of the Moon, right?

Yeah, this one’s a bit better… let’s go for one more COC!

Remember how it looked for Tony Stark inside the Iron Man suit?

Don’t look so surprised, Mr. Jr.

Do you think they got their idea’s from 1997′s Star Kid?

Spot on, I’d say.

1. I’m sitting alone at a bar
2. on a rainy day
3. feeling introspective
4. not in a self-loathing type of way
5. but in a how did I get here and where do I go next type of way
6. and there’s a band playing one of these songs
7. regardless of the song’s content
8. and nobody’s really listening
9. except me

• Bob Seger’s Mainstreet

• The Jeff Healey Band’s Angel Eyes

• Billy Vera and the Beater’s At This Moment

• Dan Fogelberg’s Same Old Lang’s Syne

That’s enough of me being cheesy today.  You’re probably thinking:

Thank Gouda…

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