CD's may soon go the way of the phonograph...

Top 5 Songs About Obsolete Technology

5.) Spiderwebs - No Doubt
What’s Obsolete: screening phone calls over answering machines
What’s Replaced It: caller ID
Shelf-Life for Replacement: indefinite

4) The Letter - Box Tops (or Joe Cocker, or American Idol’s Lee Dewyze)
What’s Obsolete: writing letters
What’s Replaced It: writing emails
Shelf-Life for Replacement: not long… kids today think emailing is outdated

3) You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) – Dead or Alive
What’s Obsolete: LP records

Paul’s additional note:

I felt real old when my five year-old daughter asked me, ‘What’s a record, dad?’

What’s Replaced It: CD’s (also, Right Round by Flo Rida)
Shelf-Life for Replacement: ever hear of iPods or Pandora?

2) Escape (The Pina Colada Song – Rupert Holmes
What’s Obsolete: personal ads in the newspaper
What’s Replaced It: Craigslist and web dating services
Shelf-Life for Replacement: as long as people are looking for other strangers to screw, they’ll be around

1) Beepers – Sir Mix-A-Lot
What’s Obsolete: pagers
What’s Replaced It: cell phones
Shelf-Life for Replacement: until they implant telecommunications into our brains, cell phones are it

(above image via Gizmodo)

Top 5 Non-Existent (As Far We Know) Cover Bands & Their Non-Existent Album Covers 

1) Men on Break 

Known for such hits as ”Who Can It Be Now?” and “Down Under,” Men at Work were hard at work in the 80′s.  Nowadays, there are suspicions that their cover band, Men on Break, might really be them. 

Overkill, indeed.

2) Faster Than Ezra 

Some people out there might not think that Better Than Ezra deserves a cover band, but the speed metal versions of “Good” and “Desperately Wanting” leave you desperately wanting more good covers.

Ezra was overheard saying, "Those mobile carriages are waaaaay faster than me."

3) Urethra Franklin

Aretha Franklin is a legend in the music business.  The fact that she’s a legend at Old Country Buffet is besides the point.  This rocking cover band electrifies (Ben Franklin lightning pun!) with their versions of “Respect” and “Who’s Zoomin’ Who?”  (Not to be confused with anything in the Urban Dictionary.)

Little known fact: he also invented UTI's.

4) Van Couver Meloncamp 

John Mellancamp, a.k.a. The Coug, has a song catalog as long and as varied as his name(s).  Van Couver Meloncamp not only does a great service to such hits as “Jack & Diane” and “Hurts So Good,” VCM also ”Cuts Like a Knife” to the heart of the hits of The Coug’s northern counterpart – Bryan Adams.  Take a bite of Meloncamp!  (Now touring in British Columbia.)

Those are some big melons.

5) Hawaii Five-O

Cops – I can take ‘em or leave ‘em.  The Police on the other hand – put out an APB!  Hawaii Five-O takes the unique approach of covering Sting’s biting melodies with the soft plucking touch of ukuleles.  You never heard “Roxanne” until you heard it plinka-plinka-plink!  (Moustaches, Detroit Tigers caps, and flowered shirts are optional at their performances, but highly recommended.)

Where Magnum Meets Tantric

BONUS: Alternate Urethra Franklin cover after the jump.

The original rock n' rolling (not funny) President.

Top 5 Subtle Christian-Approved Songs of the 80′s

5) Maneater – Hall & Oates
Sample Line: “Watch out boy, she’ll chew you up!”
Christian-Approved Message: You couldn’t get anymore anti-oral sex than this song.  Missionary only, please.  (After marriage, of course…)

4) Keep Your Hands to Yourself - The Georgia Satellites
Sample Line: “No huggin’, no kissin’, until you make me your wife.”
Christian-Approved Message: This song should appeal to the abstinence-only crowd (hello, Jonas Brothers), as well as explain the shotgun weddings found often in the South (hello, Miley Cyrus).

3) We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off – Jermaine Stewart
Sample Line: (see title)
Christian-Approved Message: Another abstinence-only song.  Girls are throwing themselves at him, and he is telling them, “No thanks, let’s just dance and drink some cherry wine.”  He’s either very religious, or very gay… or both.  (There might be openings at the monastery.)

2) Papa Don’t Preach – Madonna
Sample Line: “I’m gonna keep my baby… mmm…“
Christian-Approved Message: While the fact that Madonna is singing about getting knocked up out of wedlock might not sit well with the religious right, the fact that she is going to keep my her baby and get married to the boyfriend has to appeal to the pro-life movement.  (And the messages of songs #3 and #4…)

1) You Shook Me All Night Long – AC/DC
Sample Line: “Yeah you… shook me… all… night… long.”
Christian-Approved Message: Unbeknowest to most people, this song is actually about a female demon that is exorcised.  (Or is it exercised?)

Whom I always thought "Maneater" was about...

Top 5 Michael Jackson Cartoon Clips

5. South Park
Blanket can fly, “That’s ignorant,” and who has whose nose?

4. Family Guy
The dancer, the legend, and his crotch.

3. Family Guy
Captain EO is “coming right at me!”

2. South Park
“I’d like to show you my wishing tree!”

1. South Park
“You’re so awesome, Mr. Jefferson!  I’ve got time, do you?”

For my boss (and old friend) Paul and I, the good ol’ days in our Catholic grade school happened way before they were our good ol’ days, as evidenced by our textbooks.  Most notably: our music class textbooks. 

I know, I know… at least we had a music class.  Nowadays, all of the arts are disappearing from our schools (for shame!), but that’s not what this post is about.

The fact of the matter was that we had crappy old text books and a music teacher that could barely play the one instrument she claimed to be able to play (the flute).  Sure, it was unfortunate that she replaced the single greatest music teacher ever.  (He played “Name That Tune” on the piano – and they were always theme songs!)  The following list represents the worst of the songs we were taught… four oldies, one newie, and zero goodies.

Top 5 Songs Burned In Our Brains From Grade School

5. Little Boxes – Malvina Reynolds
Paul doesn’t really remember this one, hence it being placed at the bottom spot.  I couldn’t forget it, and Weeds wouldn’t let me… until season 4 at least.

4. Du, du liegst mir im Herzen - German folk song
Paul refused to sing this song hence to him being xenophobic; but then again he refused to sing any of the songs.  For me – it’s my 99 Luftballons.

3. Shortnin’ Bread – James Whitcome Riley
Paul despised (no, loathed!) this song.  I didn’t remember it at first, but then it all came crashing back to me like a repressed memory.

2. God Bless the USA – Lee Greenwood
The only current-ish song on the list was also an exercise in irritation.  We had to sing this at a recital, and as everyone knows – recitals blow.  What’s worse is that we had to hold up signs that read Detroit when we sang that line.  Because we lived in Detroit, oh say can you see.

1. Fender Bender - ? 
This song presented a unique situation for us.  For virtually nowhere on the TripleDoubleU, could we find ant reference to this song.  The only proof that it ever existed arrived via a MySpace Forum.  It the thread, a reference is made to the lyrics:

Fender bender, yeah yeah yeah!

The poster recalled the misspoken lyric:

Finger banger, yeah yeah yeah!

Which ceremoniously lead to the diddy being banned (band?) from music class.  Thanks, Mack Danger, for the memory backup!

I wish we would have thought of "finger banger"...

I'm sad because I can't spell, and I don't know if there was ever a sequel.

When “my boss” Paul was just “my friend” in our youth, he was a music fanatic.  He followed trends and made his own version of Billboard magazine.  That all stopped around 1996.  You can tell by the CD case he keeps in his car. 

 

Top 5 Foreign Language Top 40 Hits (Top That!)

5. Macarena – Los Del Rio 
Per Paul: “C’mon, you know you danced to it when it came out in the mid 90′s.  It’s hard to find five good songs, so here it sits.”

4. La Bamba – Los Lobos
Per Paul: “Slightly hipper version of the 50′s classic from an awesome movie.  Not my Richie, Bob.  Not Richie.“
Per me: Can you say a movie about a plane crash is awesome?  But then again, I’d say LOST is awesome, so there.

3. Rock Me Amadeus – Falco
Per Paul: “Sad that Falco dies in a car crash awhile back.  I actually like the remixed radio version better than the original, but it’s hard to find.  Probably THE best song in history about a dead music composer.”

2. 99 Luftballons – Nena
Per Paul: “Pretty good song in English, also.  I like Goldfinger’s remake better than the original.”
Per me: He really likes this song.

1. Sadeness Part 1 – Enigma
Per Paul: “Gregorian chants and a sexy female background vocal make this my number one.  [Natch - Ed.]  Also, it was featured later on in a nude scene from Boxing Helena featuring the hot store clerk from Christmas Vacation – Nicolette Scorsese.”
Per me: I was going to apologize for putting the graphic at the top which gave this entry away, but I instead I’ll say this: I need to see Boxing Helena.

99 Red Bowling Shirts

Aaah, the 80′s.  They’re definitely Generation X (and sometimes Y)’s version of our parents and their nostalgic-laden 60′s.  And since my boss, Paul, and I are huge fans of living in the past, Paul thought he’d double-dip in the ethers of remember-when, and present this list:

Top 5 Punk Covers of 80′s Songs

5. Smooth Criminal – Alien Ant Farm
“I was never a big Michael Jackson fan, especially his late 80′s work, but this version makes this song listenable.”

4. Boys of Summer – The Ataris
“While Don Henley’s original has some 80′s nostalgia to it, this is by far a better version.”

3. Come On Eileen – Save Ferris
“Awesome remake by this ska band wit the lead vocal hottie. I can actually understand Dexy’s Midnight Runners’ lyrics with this version.” [Ed. - When I saw saw them in concert, "vocal hottie" Monique Powell had this joke to say:]

What’s worse than Grease on Olivia Newton-John?  Come on Eileen!

2. Take On Me – Reel Big Fish
“One of the best ska bands from the 90′s doing the #1 80′s Hit from A-Ha.  Also, it was featured in the South Park creators’ movie, Baseketball.” [For those stuck more in the 80's than us, those creators would be none other than Trey Parker and Matt Stone, natch. - Ed.]

1. 99 Red Balloons – Goldfinger
“One of my favorite punk bands doing one the the better songs from the 80′s by Nena.”

Top 5 80′s Toy Commercial Songs (Non-TV Show)

5) Madballs – Freaky fun for everyone.  I had one or two of these. [I had the mummy one.  I also collected the comics. Why they had a comic is beyond me.  Why I collected them is even farther out. - Ed.]

4) Toys R Us- Just like the song said… I didn’t want to grow up, either.  Some people, like this blog’s owner, never have.  [Damn skippy. - Ed.]

3) Skip It – A shoddy toy, but a cool song. [The counter on the ball is analog.  Totally worth watching the vid simply for that. - Ed.]

2) Lego – Like Zack, we were all Lego Maniacs back in the 80′s.  [Since I've never grown up, I'm still a Lego Maniac.  - Ed.]

1) My Buddy – My brother, Bert, had one.  Not sure what happened to it.  Not a big fan of the toy, but the song is so catchy that I find myself singing it to my two year old son, Logan.  I call him “my buddy.”  Pause for the awwwws.  [My eyes are still rolling which makes it tough to type. - Ed.]

Okay, for the real one, click here.

Top Five Favorite ”Family Guy” Moments

5) Drinking game where Quagmire loses (click here for video)

4) “Puke-A-Thon” [Not to be confused with Stand By Me's Barf-O-Rama. - Ed.]

3) First appearance of Greased Up Deaf Guy

2) Peter competes with his real dad in a drinking game (click here)

1) Randy Newman sings about whatever he sees

Top 5 Professional Sports Moments  [Ed. - Local anyway, and without further explanation]

1.) 1997 Red Wings Stanley Cup Champs

2.) 1997 Michigan Football NCAA Champs

3.) 1989 Michigan Basketball NCAA Champs

4.) 1984 Detroit Tigers World Series Champs

5.) 2008 Detroit Lions fire Matt Millen

[Ed. - Oh yeah.  Guess where Paul went to college...]

Top Five 80′s Cartoon Theme Songs [Ed. - With explanations and video!]

1.) G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero – “He’ll fight for freedom wherever there’s trouble…” (This should replace the Star Spangled Banner.)

2.) Transformers – “More than meets the eye…”  (Song seemed to be ahead of it’s time.)

3.) The Wuzzles – “Two types of fun, wrapped up and rolled… into one!” (What could be better?)

4.) M.A.S.K. – “Masked crusaders, working overtime, fighting crime.” (Song passes the time test.) [Ed. - I had to twist his arm to get this included - it's my favorite.]

5.) Silverhawks - “Partly metal, partly real.” (Very underated show.  Plus, it has a sweet guitar solo.)

 
Top Five Stores That No Longer Exist (Now in Reverse Order) [Ed. - My favorite list so far.]

5.) The Old Ballpark - Every baseball card collector’s favorite store located in Livonia. If you wanted mint rookie cards of Alan Trammell or Lou Whitaker, this place had ‘em.

4.) Great Scott, A&P, Farmer Jack (all lumped in together) - I do have the fondest memories of Great Scott, as it was our old school place to buy groceries.  [Ed. - "Old school," as in O.G. boyee!]

3.) Highland Appliance - “50 watts per channel babycake!” Oh, the memories of buying our first 27″ color tv and our first camcorder, which was VHS-C.

2.) Babbage’s (honorable mention goes to Egghead Software) - I remember browsing the shelves of hundreds of games for my 286 PC at Fairlane Mall.

1.) Children’s Palace – Heaven on Earth to all of us kids who grew up in the 80′s. Enough said. [Ed. - Also, my first job.]