This is a badge of honor.

We finally had out holiday work party and… well, let me give you a quick back story first.

At my office, which is an IT firm based within another larger company, we guys always had a sad little game we played.  For all my years there, we ranked the women in the office on their level of attractiveness.  I know; I already mentioned it was a sad little game.

The thing is, we always placed one woman we worked with at #5 on the list of five, no matter how many attractive women we had working with us at any time.  If there were three – she was #5.  If there were six – the same.  (At least we were consistent.)

One thing that was also consistent about her was she enjoyed to drink.  Like me.  At company parties.  So long as we were both at company parties, neither of us felt particular embarrassed by our levels of intoxication.  In fact, sometimes we used to be able to bring others to our depths.

But she was let go last year.  This holiday party was the first one I attended at which she was not present.  I fear I am now the company drunk.  I would have added lone company drunk, but the the implies that.

Here's to you #5.

Essentially, this particular debate began in regard to the Bloodhound Gang.  I mentioned that I’d be extremely content in life if I could happen to be a one-hit wonder like them.

The song I was referencing:

My friend slammed back that they had two hits because of this song:

If you go by YouTube views, The Bad Touch beats Fire Water Burn hands down (28.5+ million vs. 2.5+ million).  But I also know the song Why’s Everybody Always Pickin’ On Me? (which has 1+ million views), and that still doesn’t mean it achieved the same level of apparent one-hit wonderness…

It’s not like I haven’t wished for my own solo hit in regard to a particular single before.  I would be ecstatic to have a song stand the test of time like Rick Springfield’s Jessie’s Girl (true story) when I know he’s had other songs (Don’t Talk to Strangers and I’ve Done Everything for You), and I always considered him a one-hit wonder.

So is that the key to my interpretation of one-hit wonder?  It’s the song that the artist is primarily known for that will stand the test of time.

Now I know that there are novelty acts that are “pure” one-hit wonders.  But as for most artists, it’s not like a record company wants their product to produce only one hit… they’ll always try to release more songs off the same album, or at least one of the following album.

It looked like Sara Bareillis‘ Love Song would have been her only offering to the world until her second album had hits, so…

In conclusion to this Drunken Recollection rambling, what makes a one-hit wonder a one-hit wonder?  Take it away, Wikipedia:

In the U.S., a “pure” one-hit wonder is an artist that manages only one song on the Billboard Hot 100, regardless of the song’s peak position. However, most American music industry insiders consider a song in the top forty positions of the Billboard Hot 100 to be a hit. Thus, any performer who recorded only one song that reached the Top 40 is, technically, a one-hit wonder, regardless whether another song peaks in the “bottom 60.” However, the term is more generally applied to musicians best known for only one song.

Or as I said sort of:

It’s the biggest hit that artist is known for that will stand the test of time.

(Not So) Artistic Representation (Not Done By Me)

My favorite is:

…being far from sea level…

Everything's eventual... don't be in such a "flucrush."

This has to be one of the strangest bar arguments I ever got into.

It was at trivia, which is a rarer thing these days, and a question came up:

At what latitude is the north pole?

And at first I thought zero, but then we remembered the equator is zero.  So our (my) next “logical” jump was to say 180.  We paused on 90, but stuck with 180, and answered incorrectly.  We weren’t mad about that.  But it jump-started one of the loudest vocal challenges.  Degrees, and spheres, and pi (yes the pi without the e), and Tropic of Cancer, and Prime Meridian, and pumpkins were involved and shouted.  (The pumpkin still at the bar provided a nice example of the way longitude is measured.) No one jumped in; no one told us to quiet down; everyone looked.

I was going to explain the resolution of our semantics, but then I realized that’s even worse than what’s above.

So I’ll mention the invention of a new word - flucrush - and that it’s pronounced FLUH-KRUSH, not FLOO-KRUSH.  It has no meaning, but you’ll know when to use it.

Anybooze, we stopped at Eastside Sports Bar…

They were playing Reel Big Fish's "Beer" so it felt like a safe place to be... at least the beer was cheap.

…and purchased as many beers as we could on site, as well as plenty to go.

What does that have to do with anything?  Well, it was on this night that I saw this video for the first time:

And now the badass honey badger has gone mainstream:

Oh, and for the record…  a fight broke out within fifteen minutes of us being at that bar, and like the honey badger, I didn’t give a shit.

Here’s three things that worked the crowd into a frenzy during my last regular season attendance at a Detroit Tigers’ game, which in turn, sort of drove me crazy:

1) Send Out Your Mascot

Stripes are solid.

I couldn’t believe how many people were tripping over themselves to get a picture with Paws, the Tigers mascot.  And whoever was in that suit was so nice!  No request was denied.  It probably helped that it wasn’t too hot out…

2) Make It Rain Money

It's raining men!

Some smart-ass seated above our section thought it was a great idea to throw $1 bills down every once in a while.  And it was.  People went ape-shit crazy for just a dollar.  But then again, that’s an easy McDouble after the game…

(SIDENOTE: So it wasn’t as much raining money, as it was feeling drops.)

3) Have Robocop Sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”

Okay, so it was the guy that played Robocop...

I’ve been waiting to write this post in the hopes that a video of Peter Weller singing during the seventh-inning stretch might pop up, but alas, it has not.  So here’s this instead:

monkeyBLOGmonkeyDUNCE

The in’s and the out’s leading up to the development of this, um, development are lost to me, but the concept is simple:

If you get caught doing something stupid, you could be legally declared an idiot.

Now keep this in mind – being legally declared an idiot isn’t the same as being a legal idiot.  There would be no governmental aid or outside assistance.  It’s meant to be more like a scarlet letter, or a dunce cap.  On your driver’s license, or any other permanent record, the word IDIOT would be branded next your name.  Anyone you would date or hire you would know that you’ve done at least one thing stupid.

So what kind of stupid things would get you legally declared an idiot?

• …
• …
• …hmm…

I’ll leave this one up to the lawmakers…

…no need to make a fool (or an idiot) of myself.

But if you have ideas, leave a comment!

To begin, it was a Wednesday, and I was supposed to work.  How this differs from any other day, I’m not sure.

On Tuesday, my boss/friend Paul mentioned that our TripleDoubleU provider invited us to the Detroit Tigers’ afternoon game against the Kansas City Royals, but I’d have to go pick them up from our contact’s office.  When I arrived within the allotted fifteen minute window he gave for me to collect them, the guy that answered the door never heard of my contact.  Turns out, there were two different departments, and our contact was running late.  Once I met with him, his boss didn’t leave him enough tickets.

So on Wednesday, I’m supposed to meet someone outside of– good gravy this is boring.  Let me jump to the chase chance.

For some reason, I was compelled to take this picture at the end of the game while closer Jose Valverde was pitching:

We were seated near the bullpen and foul pole in left field.

Chris (my friend and coworker) asked why I took the picture, and I told him I didn’t know.

That night, I wasn’t going to play trivia, but another friend begged me so I went.  In the midst of the quizfest, it was announced Jose Valverde would be arriving at the bar soon for autographs.  I thought:

Too bad I didn’t have anything for him to sign.

Then I remembered that I kept my game ticket, which I usually throw out after the game unless I’m going to a strip club.  They were replaying the game at the same time as he arrived (this outing happened to be his 40th consecutive save without a loss… he’s currently at 41).  So this is what followed:

(P.S. We also won $30 at trivia…)

But it’s perfect.

When drunk.

And it’s raining.

With certain things clouding my mind.

Which could just be the beer.

And maybe nostalgia.

Probably beer.

There’s more than one way to fight a zombie.

While drinking, many options were discussed.  It was basically like that scene in Pulp Fiction when Bruce Willis decides what tool of destruction to unleash on Zed.  From bat to chainsaw to sword to Stay-Puft Marshmellow Man, we ran the gamut.

But then I realized I would want to use the same devices on zombies that I would on idiots in this country:

A lightsaber and a jetpack

Also, it should be mentioned that this same night, I met a “local ballerina” that looked just like this:

"Would you like a dance? Or a hand up your ---?"