Awful Battle… Not All Candy Is Dandy
Halloween is spookily and creepily and horrifically upon us. Boo!
Well, at least it has been ever since they pulled all the Back-to-School displays at your local Target a month ago and threw up the orange and black. So while speaking of “throwing up,” I figured an Awful Battle featuring terrible candy would be frighteningly appropriate!
- Candy Buttons
Who likes their sugar droppings with a bit of paper? Perhaps the same people who thought biodegradable gum wrappers were meant for eating.
- Orange and Black Taffy(?)
I don’t know what this candy really is, but it was cheap to give out so I used to get plenty when out trick-or-treating. I’d much prefer Smarties, thank you.
Honey is not candy. Not now. Not ever. Well maybe in the 20’s…
- Circus Peanuts
Orange marshmallows pressed into peanuts may sound like a win at the circus, but in the real world, normal men do put on face paint and cram into Mini Coopers (that often). Draw your own conclusions.
- Wax Lips
I don’t know how many times I tried chewing on these like they were gum, but they were not gum. Wax is not gum no matter what anyone tells you!
- Boston Baked Beans
I don’t think I could even eat these if I was the middle word.
- Almond Joy / Mounds
Not a fan of coconut. That will probably never change, even if I ended up on Survivor. But if my alternative was rat meat…
- Tootsie Fruit Rolls
A perfect example of “if it’s not broke, don’t give it a fruit flavor when chocolate is perfectly fine.”
- Apple-Flavored Jolly Ranchers
I like Jolly Ranchers otherwise. This adverse reaction to one particular flavor probably deals with the fact we had an apple tree when I was a child, and I hated picking up the fallen, rotten, worm-invested symbols of the Fall of Man. Mjusayin’.
- Runts Bananas
Why are there so many bananas in a bag or box of Runts?! And why are they so hard?!