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Awful Battle… Not All Candy Is Dandy

September 23, 2010

Halloween is spookily and creepily and horrifically upon us.  Boo!

Well, at least it has been ever since they pulled all the Back-to-School displays at your local Target a month ago and threw up the orange and black.  So while speaking of “throwing up,” I figured an Awful Battle featuring terrible candy would be frighteningly appropriate!

  • Candy Buttons

Who likes their sugar droppings with a bit of paper?  Perhaps the same people who thought biodegradable gum wrappers were meant for eating.

"Candy Buttons" sounds like a cute porn star name.

  • Orange and Black Taffy(?)

I don’t know what this candy really is, but it was cheap to give out  so I used to get plenty when out trick-or-treating.  I’d much prefer Smarties, thank you.

What were these called? Cheapies? Dummies?

  • Bit-O-Honey

Honey is not candy.  Not now.  Not ever.  Well maybe in the 20’s…

My grandma always had Bit-O-Honey, and I always ate them. Butterscotch, too.

  • Circus Peanuts

Orange marshmallows pressed into peanuts may sound like a win at the circus, but in the real world, normal men do put on face paint and cram into Mini Coopers (that often).  Draw your own conclusions.

I once dared my brother to pack a ton of these into his mouth when he was a kid. Wasn't one of my tougher dares, but the results were funny.

  • Wax Lips

I don’t know how many times I tried chewing on these like they were gum, but they were not gum.  Wax is not gum no matter what anyone tells you!

Not gum!

  • Boston Baked Beans

I don’t think I could even eat these if I was the middle word.

Beans, beans, they're good for nothing.

  • Almond Joy / Mounds

Not a fan of coconut.  That will probably never change, even if I ended up on Survivor.  But if my alternative was rat meat…

Sometimes you feel like a nut, because frankly, you're nuts.

  • Tootsie Fruit Rolls

A perfect example of “if it’s not broke, don’t give it a fruit flavor when chocolate is perfectly fine.”

I have heard the vanilla flavor is pretty good, though.

  • Apple-Flavored Jolly Ranchers

I like Jolly Ranchers otherwise.  This adverse reaction to one particular flavor probably deals with the fact we had an apple tree when I was a child, and I hated picking up the fallen, rotten, worm-invested symbols of the Fall of Man.  Mjusayin’.

I don't like apple juice, candy apples, applesauce, apple fritters, apple cider, nor Apl.De.Ap.

  • Runts Bananas

Why are there so many bananas in a bag or box of Runts?!  And why are they so hard?!

Case closed.

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